3.52am weds night of 15 aug 2007

wesley just left my place coz he claims that he cant stand that i keep checking his things. this's the biggest problem with humans.they can accept themselves doing these to ppl but they cant accept ppl doing these to themselves.

he changed lee yen's number into yc.
no good explainations given.
wat should i think?

from his tenants sms that he always lie n lie, from chelsea's msg that he always lie n lie. from ah meng's where's my money twice, from lee yen to yc also money things he claimed. he nv ever admits.
how can i ever trust a person like him.
i really cant stand liars. i cant!

then bcoz of this he's leaving for good n i threw things at him. from his facial expression n the determination to leave. i can feel, this is the last time.

i've agitated him enough too le ba. doing all his irritating stuffs back to him till he cant tahan. but he'll nv understand what im doing back to him is just wat he've been doing to me. n i do admit that i have been too easily agitated with him.

n maybe also bcoz he knows that, if he's in trouble, im definitely not someone who will stand beside me bcoz of his 20k matter that i feel its fake. the way he put it is too fake. too fake to be believed n with junhui now then i found out he cheat my mom's 4k. i know wesley is thinking abt this problem n even maybe he felt that one day he can count on me on some money but suddenly he felt its impossible le, so why continue being my slave. at many a times thinking back, he's really like a slave to me. maybe he owe me from his last life ba. although we're of the unsame frequency, but to me, frankly speaking, minusing his bad points, he can be counted my best bf. but with his weird character + his bad points, he can still be counted as 1 of my best bfs. haiz. time's up. our fate has ended. also good ba. he's not even a pr yet. danger anytime n also i nv ever know abt his money things. why does he always need to borrow money from ppl. why? he nv ever tells. i dun understand if the reason is very white n clear, why cant u tell? forget it tracy. its all over. u neednt complain n feel irritated with him n his continuous acts again.

all u need to feel is the pain of paying by yourself ba. but then again, how much have i saved from knowing him till now le? alot i must say. :)
i should be happy enough, anyway it not like i cant afford it too..
haiz..

its really a good time to end ba. the only things im not willing to let go is the willingness in him to send me to n fro work. spend time with me after work n all the while. bring me here n there. buy me these n that. sweep n mop my floor. cook n wash for me. wash my bird cages change my water. take my things for me.. haiz.. but our frequency is really not the same.

dun be sad tracy. u already dun love him very much n u jolly well know u dun see a future with him.

chang tong bu ru duan tong. the longer we're together, the more not healthy dependance im having on him. n the longer im with him now, maybe the more i have to pay back in future. i jolly well knw how easily agitated i am with him n i cant stand his patterns already.

so wat if he's quite good looking, so wat if he can satisfy me so wat alot of good things in him la. but forget it, i will nv settle down ba.
anyway quite a few ppl say i'll settle down late. how late i duno.
my mentality in love now is still in a big mess. now i really miss my teens days no need to worry abt love. but hey! just 6 months ago i also not very worried ma.

dun worry tracy, ur mentality is still here, it will still happen as per normal it will!!! hehehe!!! cnt type out =x

not much men in this world can be like him this i defintely know.

i already Thanks Gods that i have him to take care of me for this few months le.i always felt he's a God's gift to me. now that i have other Gods to trust in, maybe God is taking him away from me le ba. but i really hope, its for good.coz i know i have been depending on him too unhealthily.everything also depend on him, every money matter, every personal matters.

sigh..

Gods please bless my life. im pretty confused of my life n religion now. but my eye problem really needs to be settled. i can really feel my eyes getting much better now though still having some problems.but i strongly believe if im disciplined enough the Gods will take the problems n ghosts away from me n i'll see n communicate n get along with everyone very great, happily n well-ly once again.i just really wish to be always healthy, always happy, always xin fu n understood.

Gods please bless my life.

please All be understanding to my state right now. Thanks alot.. :)

its 14 august now 2007

knowing wesley close to 5months.
being with him for close to 4months.

i somehow understand wat kindof person he is n this worries me.
he isnt someone who plans things very well n he isnt someone who understands wat other ppl r talking abt.

told him million times many thing but he just nv understands.

he's good to me definintely in many ways n perhaps bcoz of this im always taking him forgranted.
haiz.. now he told me he got a 20k thing to settle at work. i rather this is just lies or i can just hope it can be solved.

told him alot of times dun keep calling me but he very hard to control.
he always thinks very negatively n thinks its true. just like me.
he dun let me talk to other guys or go out with them. just like me.
he dun like me to play computer. he always wants me to sleep with him even when i cant sleep. cant he understand?
he nv tells me abt his money things.
he says he sends money back to his family n to his sister.
how much he earn he dun tell me but i always feel its alot. his commission should come in every friday.

ytd he just told me abt the 20k problem. i feel he wants me to help me coz just the day b4 i told him abt junhui cheated my mom 4k thing.

haiz. money money. how much money have he already spent on me this 5months of knowing me. more than 10k is a comfirmation.

wat is life all abt.

n im dependant on him to take care of my things. sweep n mop my room, cook for me. buy me everything i want n need. prepare water for me. take things for me. everything.
let's see how things will be the next time i come back ba.

i do love him. not super love. but i know i do love him n i need him too.
sometimes i really feel i duno wat life is abt without him.
but i dun really see a future for us. i duno man. i really duno.

feeling contradicted always..

today is the day i went to simalu GuanYin temple to pray for release of the ghosts in me.

the 'jie qian ren' introduced me up to another sort of temple for an ah ma to help me pray to the Gods to take the ghosts away from me n let me be comfortable with life once again. :)

i promised Guan Yin Ma that i will be eating vegetarian from now onwards for at least 1 yr.
n also i will go to the temple to thanks her n baibai n contribute every month.

i will give thanks to the Gods that the por por pray for me too de! :)