why cant i not keep my thoughts and feelings to myself..
sometimes i say things out coz i hope they know how i feel n things will get better.
but seems that most of the time its not like that lei.

for now, 25 march sunday
sean is the one taking care of me. buying me dinner. the one at my house..
the one i dun wanna be so close to le..
the one i dun care of my appearance or actions coz i dun like him as much.

wesley is the one i really like. the one im trying to please.
the one i cnt be myself when im with him coz i try to please him. i darent let him see the real me.
he's the one that lets me wanna be close to him but sometimes feel he's over horny.
coz i care abt him. i fear he will be horny to other girls too.

after writing out. 1 side of me feel im having a very equalized love.
but also that i should treat sean better.

for not giving them the real status.
it means i aint really betraying them right?
haiz..

dearest feelings bloggy.
i feel so in a lost.
but whenever things like that happen
i always feel its fate.
y didnt wesley meet me at the times sean always could make it to fetch me.
why izit just this 3 times he appeared sean is not around?
i let wesley kiss me throughly on my mouth.
sean has not even touched my tougue.
ger is right.
love is like that.
most of the times is from the start.
if u start later than from the start.
it means its how good that person is that touched u to be with them.
i like wesley's looks. just his looks i know.
but somehow if he didnt make the effort to come n find me, buy my shots, n send me home, how would all these had happened too rite?
God i duno how.
i feel so guilty towards sean now but as he said, dun think so much. happy can liao.
really is like that ma?
can i handle them two together queitly..?
argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is not gonna happen to my future. NEVER! NEVER will any guys treat me the way im treating guys now.
nv now, ever, any future.
nv...
love is really such a cruel thing.. so so so cruel.....

since its my deepest feelings..
i really cant afford to let anyone read this.
but i must jot this feelings down...

its 12 march 07 4.51am now.

my mind cant stop thinking of sean.
i know i have fallen for him.
but im not taking it to the next level coz i dun wanna commit to someone of his looks, his type.
frankly speaking, he's not bad looking n im glad that he's serious in r/s
but i also do know that he would not marry a girl just anyhow coz to him, marriage is a very big amt of money.
sigh..
i want to be with him. but i still want to open up my choices to better ppl who suits me more. i know that very well deep down.
i suck. i really suck.
why am i still picking when he's already quite good.
quite good is the word.
im not very good myself wat!

i still miss eric..
i used to not like him alot but i fell deeply in love with him in the end also wat.
qing ren yan zhong chu xi shi.
but he really is yandao at some view n his singing is just.. charming...
i love u eric!
if only u could be more truthful.
but i got too many bad points for u to truely fall in love with me too ba.
we you yuan wu fen le.
but i still miss u.. my dearest baby.. :)

for cedric awyang, the only thing keeping me to him is, his outlook.
frankly speaking. coz his outlook suits me more than sean but sean has the kindof size n attitude n i want.
that's why ppl say, nothing in this world is perfect.
you'll always see the grass greener on the other patch.
you'll nv know how tough other ppl r ppl. you'll only be seeing the nice n beautiful part.
you'll nv know how tough n bad they can get n face so u'll always just think its so nice n green.

y do my eyes keep wanting to look at ppl's private part.
adeline said its coz something is protruding,
yes protruding stuffs do attract eyes.
but why does my eyes goes sideways incontrollably too!
why!
why cant i control my eyes.
there must be a way to solve it.
once i think that i have this prob. it'll just come.
my memory is so bad, if there's one thing i want to forget forever for now,
i wish my memory will take this eye problem away from me now n forever.
i trust in You Lord, in You i Trust.
you healed my knee, now i leave my eyes to you.
We can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)
im gonna be fine. i knwo i will i know i will i know i will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
once i know i shouldnt be looking at one thing, try to concentrate on another thing! concentrate hard on the thing i am doing n keep trying to recall wat's the next step to do. dun ever let my mind have time to think of wat im not supposed to do.
do everything seriously.
if im outside walking, think of songs or other important or non important stuffs to keep my mind busy.
keep my mind busy at all times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

wat should i do. im so lost!

God please lead me the way. i know you've always heard my prayers n askings. i know it.
sorry Lord for the way i take things most of the times. but You know it, You know that i really deeply appreciate the things that You do for me..
Thank You very much Lord Jesus Christ..
its time for me to sleep now.

i leave everything to you but i really hope i can do well for my make up course n everything.
i dun wan anyone to look at me as a weirdo or someone who cant make it.
i defintely can make it because i am Ur child. =)