dearest blog..

11 july 2007 tues night weds morning is the night my dearest father passed away.

i can never forget the small smile he smiled after knowing me n gorgor was here. i dreamed that he is still alive actually.
i know he's safe with God now bcoz he heard the angels singing to him while he tot it was his family singing to him or opening music to him or could it just be a consolation bcoz he knew he was giving up.

no, it cant be. we all know, we all know that God has brought him to a better place n we'll all meet there someday to live our eternal life.

now that his family n my has combined into one.

i Thanks God really for giving my father a 2nd wife that really took very good care of him while he was sick.

i Thanks God that we made it to see him at the hospital b4 he died n we even took photos.

i Thanks God that his face was in peace when he died...

i was so shocked to see the tumours on his body.. so shocked. n he is so thin.
how could all these happen to him. how could all these happen to him.

i have the feeling its bcoz his wife used to be very weak at the early days. could my father had told any god that he was willing to sacrifice himself for his wife's good health? bcoz i see his wife is ok. i duno i really duno..

my father is a musician, a music teacher to many yet me n my bro didnt do anything that will glorify him at all.. i feel guilty n tried to find a music composing course. but when i read how it goes, i just felt the chore in it. i have been wanting to compose my own songs sice yrs ago. but i dun have the real basic. i only have very very basic foundations.
damit my parents still used to pay for my piano lessons. i wasted all these money!

i keep feeling that if not for my father knows that his money is drying up, he wont have given up.
medical bills r too expensive... y izit like that!
n i didnt egven do anything to help!

papa didnt want us to see him suffer. he didnt want us to know. he only kept telling the other family that he'll recover n will only let us see him when he recovers. n will come to find us.

papa i haven bring u to restaurant to eat.
im really unfillial.
i hope u know my heart. i know u know my eye problems so i have some problems facing ppl the next few days at ur wake.

now that i knw that he did go for the healing service that he wanted my to go. i really feel very guilty that i did not make it in time tht day.

recently i have been down on faith i duno how to restore my faith back.

everything seems to be going down... i duno i really duno..........

do i still have the cheek to pray. maybe i dont anymore. but many others have.

my father is a good man. he deserves much better.