10am in the morning n im feeling sad, last night i was abit drunk, rick came to find me. it could be all fated. why did i see him talking to girls the 1st glance i saw him. WHY! it made me boil up so much n david escorted me into the cab somemore. not leaving any chance for me to think to let rick send me back too. infront of all his subordinates i left without leaving any face for him. i smsed him the harshest words. i duno will he ever forgive me n treat me like he still does ornot.
i feel sorry for wat i'ld done. i expected him to be alone. n why of all times the drinks were thick last night n i saw him talking to girls first thing i saw him. they werent flirting or wat. just normal talking. but it just boiled me just bcoz im abit drunk. wen de also like that, colin foo also like that now rick also like that. when will i ever change..

sunday 23 sept 2007 12am

i really shouldnt be blogging now but i really got to jot down my feelings now down first.

in between rick n patson, which one ?

me n rick got hug n soft pet n he stole a peck on my lips once b4.

me n patson only shared a tea egg n my hand put on his hand b4 while walking for a short distance coz very crowded =b

this few days patson has been with me. he lets me feel like a very simple life. not really good food, good stuffs, a guy pampering me. its really a simple life. though like that, but coz he doesnt know abt me past, i like it like that.

for rick, he knows im a pampered n overspoilt girl all the while but he also knows that he cant pamper me so much too. he doesnt pamper or spoil me but he drives a bmw. n i know he can afford me good things coz he always supports my shots too. he looks much more decent but he has no time for me. if not for patson with me this few days, just relying on rick only, i can ornot?

just now went out with patson again. now is 12.11am. later got to wake up at 6.45am. still got to wait for rick till 1. or should i wait ornot. sigh.. meet liao then we'll surely pet again.. im in a lost..
argh!!!

i duno what step to move now. i know leading 2 on is wrong. but i duno which is the right one too........ i really hope to really start with one happily, but either one seems not good enough. both then just right liek that hahaha! =x see how things go.. wil update soon..

just as i published this post i sms him im tired. coz i really am. still got to study abit u know. tmr is role play test. n play my new electronic game hahaha.. byebye!

3.52am weds night of 15 aug 2007

wesley just left my place coz he claims that he cant stand that i keep checking his things. this's the biggest problem with humans.they can accept themselves doing these to ppl but they cant accept ppl doing these to themselves.

he changed lee yen's number into yc.
no good explainations given.
wat should i think?

from his tenants sms that he always lie n lie, from chelsea's msg that he always lie n lie. from ah meng's where's my money twice, from lee yen to yc also money things he claimed. he nv ever admits.
how can i ever trust a person like him.
i really cant stand liars. i cant!

then bcoz of this he's leaving for good n i threw things at him. from his facial expression n the determination to leave. i can feel, this is the last time.

i've agitated him enough too le ba. doing all his irritating stuffs back to him till he cant tahan. but he'll nv understand what im doing back to him is just wat he've been doing to me. n i do admit that i have been too easily agitated with him.

n maybe also bcoz he knows that, if he's in trouble, im definitely not someone who will stand beside me bcoz of his 20k matter that i feel its fake. the way he put it is too fake. too fake to be believed n with junhui now then i found out he cheat my mom's 4k. i know wesley is thinking abt this problem n even maybe he felt that one day he can count on me on some money but suddenly he felt its impossible le, so why continue being my slave. at many a times thinking back, he's really like a slave to me. maybe he owe me from his last life ba. although we're of the unsame frequency, but to me, frankly speaking, minusing his bad points, he can be counted my best bf. but with his weird character + his bad points, he can still be counted as 1 of my best bfs. haiz. time's up. our fate has ended. also good ba. he's not even a pr yet. danger anytime n also i nv ever know abt his money things. why does he always need to borrow money from ppl. why? he nv ever tells. i dun understand if the reason is very white n clear, why cant u tell? forget it tracy. its all over. u neednt complain n feel irritated with him n his continuous acts again.

all u need to feel is the pain of paying by yourself ba. but then again, how much have i saved from knowing him till now le? alot i must say. :)
i should be happy enough, anyway it not like i cant afford it too..
haiz..

its really a good time to end ba. the only things im not willing to let go is the willingness in him to send me to n fro work. spend time with me after work n all the while. bring me here n there. buy me these n that. sweep n mop my floor. cook n wash for me. wash my bird cages change my water. take my things for me.. haiz.. but our frequency is really not the same.

dun be sad tracy. u already dun love him very much n u jolly well know u dun see a future with him.

chang tong bu ru duan tong. the longer we're together, the more not healthy dependance im having on him. n the longer im with him now, maybe the more i have to pay back in future. i jolly well knw how easily agitated i am with him n i cant stand his patterns already.

so wat if he's quite good looking, so wat if he can satisfy me so wat alot of good things in him la. but forget it, i will nv settle down ba.
anyway quite a few ppl say i'll settle down late. how late i duno.
my mentality in love now is still in a big mess. now i really miss my teens days no need to worry abt love. but hey! just 6 months ago i also not very worried ma.

dun worry tracy, ur mentality is still here, it will still happen as per normal it will!!! hehehe!!! cnt type out =x

not much men in this world can be like him this i defintely know.

i already Thanks Gods that i have him to take care of me for this few months le.i always felt he's a God's gift to me. now that i have other Gods to trust in, maybe God is taking him away from me le ba. but i really hope, its for good.coz i know i have been depending on him too unhealthily.everything also depend on him, every money matter, every personal matters.

sigh..

Gods please bless my life. im pretty confused of my life n religion now. but my eye problem really needs to be settled. i can really feel my eyes getting much better now though still having some problems.but i strongly believe if im disciplined enough the Gods will take the problems n ghosts away from me n i'll see n communicate n get along with everyone very great, happily n well-ly once again.i just really wish to be always healthy, always happy, always xin fu n understood.

Gods please bless my life.

please All be understanding to my state right now. Thanks alot.. :)

its 14 august now 2007

knowing wesley close to 5months.
being with him for close to 4months.

i somehow understand wat kindof person he is n this worries me.
he isnt someone who plans things very well n he isnt someone who understands wat other ppl r talking abt.

told him million times many thing but he just nv understands.

he's good to me definintely in many ways n perhaps bcoz of this im always taking him forgranted.
haiz.. now he told me he got a 20k thing to settle at work. i rather this is just lies or i can just hope it can be solved.

told him alot of times dun keep calling me but he very hard to control.
he always thinks very negatively n thinks its true. just like me.
he dun let me talk to other guys or go out with them. just like me.
he dun like me to play computer. he always wants me to sleep with him even when i cant sleep. cant he understand?
he nv tells me abt his money things.
he says he sends money back to his family n to his sister.
how much he earn he dun tell me but i always feel its alot. his commission should come in every friday.

ytd he just told me abt the 20k problem. i feel he wants me to help me coz just the day b4 i told him abt junhui cheated my mom 4k thing.

haiz. money money. how much money have he already spent on me this 5months of knowing me. more than 10k is a comfirmation.

wat is life all abt.

n im dependant on him to take care of my things. sweep n mop my room, cook for me. buy me everything i want n need. prepare water for me. take things for me. everything.
let's see how things will be the next time i come back ba.

i do love him. not super love. but i know i do love him n i need him too.
sometimes i really feel i duno wat life is abt without him.
but i dun really see a future for us. i duno man. i really duno.

feeling contradicted always..

today is the day i went to simalu GuanYin temple to pray for release of the ghosts in me.

the 'jie qian ren' introduced me up to another sort of temple for an ah ma to help me pray to the Gods to take the ghosts away from me n let me be comfortable with life once again. :)

i promised Guan Yin Ma that i will be eating vegetarian from now onwards for at least 1 yr.
n also i will go to the temple to thanks her n baibai n contribute every month.

i will give thanks to the Gods that the por por pray for me too de! :)

dearest blog..

11 july 2007 tues night weds morning is the night my dearest father passed away.

i can never forget the small smile he smiled after knowing me n gorgor was here. i dreamed that he is still alive actually.
i know he's safe with God now bcoz he heard the angels singing to him while he tot it was his family singing to him or opening music to him or could it just be a consolation bcoz he knew he was giving up.

no, it cant be. we all know, we all know that God has brought him to a better place n we'll all meet there someday to live our eternal life.

now that his family n my has combined into one.

i Thanks God really for giving my father a 2nd wife that really took very good care of him while he was sick.

i Thanks God that we made it to see him at the hospital b4 he died n we even took photos.

i Thanks God that his face was in peace when he died...

i was so shocked to see the tumours on his body.. so shocked. n he is so thin.
how could all these happen to him. how could all these happen to him.

i have the feeling its bcoz his wife used to be very weak at the early days. could my father had told any god that he was willing to sacrifice himself for his wife's good health? bcoz i see his wife is ok. i duno i really duno..

my father is a musician, a music teacher to many yet me n my bro didnt do anything that will glorify him at all.. i feel guilty n tried to find a music composing course. but when i read how it goes, i just felt the chore in it. i have been wanting to compose my own songs sice yrs ago. but i dun have the real basic. i only have very very basic foundations.
damit my parents still used to pay for my piano lessons. i wasted all these money!

i keep feeling that if not for my father knows that his money is drying up, he wont have given up.
medical bills r too expensive... y izit like that!
n i didnt egven do anything to help!

papa didnt want us to see him suffer. he didnt want us to know. he only kept telling the other family that he'll recover n will only let us see him when he recovers. n will come to find us.

papa i haven bring u to restaurant to eat.
im really unfillial.
i hope u know my heart. i know u know my eye problems so i have some problems facing ppl the next few days at ur wake.

now that i knw that he did go for the healing service that he wanted my to go. i really feel very guilty that i did not make it in time tht day.

recently i have been down on faith i duno how to restore my faith back.

everything seems to be going down... i duno i really duno..........

do i still have the cheek to pray. maybe i dont anymore. but many others have.

my father is a good man. he deserves much better.

why cant i not keep my thoughts and feelings to myself..
sometimes i say things out coz i hope they know how i feel n things will get better.
but seems that most of the time its not like that lei.

for now, 25 march sunday
sean is the one taking care of me. buying me dinner. the one at my house..
the one i dun wanna be so close to le..
the one i dun care of my appearance or actions coz i dun like him as much.

wesley is the one i really like. the one im trying to please.
the one i cnt be myself when im with him coz i try to please him. i darent let him see the real me.
he's the one that lets me wanna be close to him but sometimes feel he's over horny.
coz i care abt him. i fear he will be horny to other girls too.

after writing out. 1 side of me feel im having a very equalized love.
but also that i should treat sean better.

for not giving them the real status.
it means i aint really betraying them right?
haiz..

dearest feelings bloggy.
i feel so in a lost.
but whenever things like that happen
i always feel its fate.
y didnt wesley meet me at the times sean always could make it to fetch me.
why izit just this 3 times he appeared sean is not around?
i let wesley kiss me throughly on my mouth.
sean has not even touched my tougue.
ger is right.
love is like that.
most of the times is from the start.
if u start later than from the start.
it means its how good that person is that touched u to be with them.
i like wesley's looks. just his looks i know.
but somehow if he didnt make the effort to come n find me, buy my shots, n send me home, how would all these had happened too rite?
God i duno how.
i feel so guilty towards sean now but as he said, dun think so much. happy can liao.
really is like that ma?
can i handle them two together queitly..?
argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is not gonna happen to my future. NEVER! NEVER will any guys treat me the way im treating guys now.
nv now, ever, any future.
nv...
love is really such a cruel thing.. so so so cruel.....

since its my deepest feelings..
i really cant afford to let anyone read this.
but i must jot this feelings down...

its 12 march 07 4.51am now.

my mind cant stop thinking of sean.
i know i have fallen for him.
but im not taking it to the next level coz i dun wanna commit to someone of his looks, his type.
frankly speaking, he's not bad looking n im glad that he's serious in r/s
but i also do know that he would not marry a girl just anyhow coz to him, marriage is a very big amt of money.
sigh..
i want to be with him. but i still want to open up my choices to better ppl who suits me more. i know that very well deep down.
i suck. i really suck.
why am i still picking when he's already quite good.
quite good is the word.
im not very good myself wat!

i still miss eric..
i used to not like him alot but i fell deeply in love with him in the end also wat.
qing ren yan zhong chu xi shi.
but he really is yandao at some view n his singing is just.. charming...
i love u eric!
if only u could be more truthful.
but i got too many bad points for u to truely fall in love with me too ba.
we you yuan wu fen le.
but i still miss u.. my dearest baby.. :)

for cedric awyang, the only thing keeping me to him is, his outlook.
frankly speaking. coz his outlook suits me more than sean but sean has the kindof size n attitude n i want.
that's why ppl say, nothing in this world is perfect.
you'll always see the grass greener on the other patch.
you'll nv know how tough other ppl r ppl. you'll only be seeing the nice n beautiful part.
you'll nv know how tough n bad they can get n face so u'll always just think its so nice n green.

y do my eyes keep wanting to look at ppl's private part.
adeline said its coz something is protruding,
yes protruding stuffs do attract eyes.
but why does my eyes goes sideways incontrollably too!
why!
why cant i control my eyes.
there must be a way to solve it.
once i think that i have this prob. it'll just come.
my memory is so bad, if there's one thing i want to forget forever for now,
i wish my memory will take this eye problem away from me now n forever.
i trust in You Lord, in You i Trust.
you healed my knee, now i leave my eyes to you.
We can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)
im gonna be fine. i knwo i will i know i will i know i will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
once i know i shouldnt be looking at one thing, try to concentrate on another thing! concentrate hard on the thing i am doing n keep trying to recall wat's the next step to do. dun ever let my mind have time to think of wat im not supposed to do.
do everything seriously.
if im outside walking, think of songs or other important or non important stuffs to keep my mind busy.
keep my mind busy at all times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

wat should i do. im so lost!

God please lead me the way. i know you've always heard my prayers n askings. i know it.
sorry Lord for the way i take things most of the times. but You know it, You know that i really deeply appreciate the things that You do for me..
Thank You very much Lord Jesus Christ..
its time for me to sleep now.

i leave everything to you but i really hope i can do well for my make up course n everything.
i dun wan anyone to look at me as a weirdo or someone who cant make it.
i defintely can make it because i am Ur child. =)